At the request of a good reader, I'm finally updating again. Enjoy.
As I write, I'm sitting in the lobby of a hotel in West Orange, New Jersey. I'm here traveling with my good friend Bob Kaplowitz.
This afternoon while we were visiting the local bookstore to purchase a road atlas, I stumbled across a most excellent book: it is entitled The Dangerous Book for Boys. The title is written in what appears to be a goofy early 1900's font, and the back cover promises it to be "The perfect book for every boy from eight to eighty." This amazing book is exactly what it purports to be. It contains roughly 90 chapters, jumbled together in no particular order, varying in length from a paragraph to several pages; a smattering of the chapter titles goes like this: "Making Cloth Fireproof," "The Golden Age of Piracy," "How to Play Poker," "Making a Periscope," "Making a Bow and Arrow," "Famous Battles" (both ancient and modern), "Building a Treehouse," "Latin Phrases Every Boy Should Know," "Baseball's Most Valuable Players" (going back to 1931, both American League and National League), "Hunting and Cooking a Rabbit," and "A Brief History of Artillery."
Among the other topics any curious boy might find interesting is a chapter simply entitled "Girls." While the Brief History of Artillery is five pages long and includes several color photos, the "Girls" chapter is barely over a page. It was so delightfully silly, I've included the entire chapter below:
Girls You may already have noticed that girls are quite different from you. By this, we do not mean the physical differences, more the fact that they remain unimpressed by your mastery of a game involving wizards, or your understanding of Morse code [the mastery of both which can be improved by studying the book in question]. Some will be impressed, of course, but as a general rule, girls do not get quite as excited by the use of urine as a secret ink as boys do [which secret ink can, again, be learned from the book in question].
We thought long and hard about what advice could possibly be suitable. It is an inescapable fact that boys spend a great deal of their lives thinking and dreaming about girls, so the subject should be mentioned here--as delicately as possible.
Advice About Girls 1. It is important to listen. Human beings are often very self-centered and like to talk about themselves. In addition, it's an easy subject if someone is nervous. It is good advice to listen closely--unless she has also been given this advice, in which case an uneasy silence could develop, like two owls sitting together.
2. Be careful with humor. It is very common for boys to try to impress girls with a string of jokes, each one more desperate than the last. One joke, perhaps, and then a long silence while she talks about herself...
3. When you are older, flowers really do work--women love them. When you are young, however, there is a ghastly sense of being awkward rather than romantic--and she will guess your mother bought them.
4. Valentine's Day cards. Do not put your name on them. The whole point is the excitement a girl feels, wondering who finds her attractive. If it says "From Brian" on it, the magic isn't really there. This is actually quite a nice thing to do to someone you don't think will get a card. If you do this, it is even more important that you never say, "I sent you one because I thought you wouldn't get any." Keep the cards simple. You do not want one with fancy stuff of any kind.
5. Avoid being vulgar. Excitable bouts of windbreaking will not endear you to a girl, just to pick one example.
6. Play a sport of some kind. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it replaces the corpse-like pallor of the computer programmer with a ruddy glow. Honestly, this is more important than you know.
7. If you see a girl in need of help--unable to lift something, for example--do not taunt her. Approach the object and greet her with a cheerful smile, while surreptitiously testing the weight of the object. If you find you can lift it, go ahead. If you can't, try sitting on it and engaging her in conversation.
8. Finally, make sure you are well-scrubbed, your nails are clean and your hair is washed. Remember that girls are as nervous around you as you are around them, if you can imagine such a thing. They think and act rather differently to you, but without them, life would be one long football locker room. Treat them with respect.
The most-sage advice of this chapter is shortly followed by instructions for identifying cloud formations, and a brief account and analysis of the Battle of Waterloo; the section about Waterloo (within the massive "Famous Battles - Part Two" chapter) is three times as long as the seciton about girls, and even includes a color map indicating the positions of English and French units, and their movements in the battle.
You may have figured out already that I purchased a copy of The Dangerous Book for Boys; I was planning to give it to my little brother, but the more of it I read, the more I want to just keep it for myself.
I recently completed two years of Swahili at Indiana University. A few months ago, to enhance our aural comprehension of the language, my Swahili teacher had us view a Tanzanian music video (which I've posted below).
It totally rocks.
Before we viewed it, my teacher (a little African man from Zanzibar) was struggling with English, trying to explain the essence of the music video. As soon as I thought I was getting the drift, I raised my hand and said "Here in America, we would say that 'The woman is wearing the pants' " (of course I actually said that in Swahili: "Hapa Marekani tunasema 'The woman is wearing the pants' ") For a moment he held a puzzled expression; an instant later when comprehension hit him, we shared a hearty laugh.
Now, if you've even set foot on IU's campus, you know that IU is very gung-ho about "diversity;" however it seems our little trans-cultural banter is the wrong kind of "diversity." So--unsurprisingly--Ms. Pre-med Coed raised her hand and very open-mindedly put us in our place, saying "Well, I think that men and women should share the chores equally, and there's nothing wrong with a man doing the laundry, and..." etc. Incidentally, she was wearing pants that day.*
To get a window into this universal, trans-cultural joke, watch the video below. Of course it's all in Swahili, but here's a synopsis:
The woman (Mama Rhoda) wears the pants, and at the beginning of the song she has set her husband to work doing dishes and laundry. This set up makes the song quite comedic, because men never do such house work; the man (played by a popular Tanzanian singer, Bushoke) is a pathetic wuss of a character, created to be mocked and laughed at. His wife is threatening to abandon him and leave their baby with him; most of the song is basically him bemoaning his pathetic life and begging his wife not to leave.
It's funny because in Africa men are still men, and such emasculated behavior is rightly ridiculed.
My teacher said that this is Chameleone's most popular song. I recommend you crank up the volume when you watch it; African music isn't quiet music.
The femmy guy is Bushoke (a popular Tanzanian singer). The Busta Rhymes-looking guy with sunglasses is Chameleone (a well-known, very popular Ugandan rapper). The title "Mama Rhoda" is best understood as "Rhoda's Mamma;" similarly, Bushoke's wimpy husband character would be "Baba Rhoda," literally "Rhoda's Daddy," and the baby in the film is Rhoda.
Loosly translated lyrics (there's an opening section that goes by too fast for me to translate):
It's like you never loved me; would you just explain it to me? I'm so hurt and miserable that you'd abandon me. Rhoda is crying. She says you're leaving me. And I cry, too. Mama Rhoda, you're throwing me away.
Chorus: Mama Rhoda, you say you're leaving me. Mama Rhoda, you'll remember me. Mama Rhoda, you say you're leaving me. Mama Rhoda, you'll remember me.
You'd say it's all my fault to be left all on my own. For many years you were my only thought, but you've been wasting my time.
Listen!
Mama Rhoda, I'm crumbling, I'll give you whatever it is you want, a better deal than what anyone else could give. Chameleone ntakufata (I don't know what this line means).
Chorus
A bridge in Kihaya (a Ugandan language that I don't understand).
I want it to be you and me, baby. I'll give you what you want, lady. Rhoda, you drive me crazy (this line is in English). Where ever you go, you'll remember me.
Chorus
Mama Rhoda, I'm crumbling, I'll give you whatever it is you want, a better deal than what anyone else could give. Chameleone ntakufata (I don't know what this line means).
Chorus
Where ever you go, you'll remember me.
Chorus
It's like you never loved me; would you just explain it to me? I'm so hurt and miserable that you'd abandon me. Rhoda is crying. She says you're leaving me. And I cry, too. Mama Rhoda, you're throwing me away.
Lyrics in Swahili: Hata kama ulikuwa hunipendi mimi ungenieleza Kuliko kuniacha mimi masikini ninateseka Rhoda analia anasema umemuacha Na mimi ninalia mama Rhoda umenitupa
Chorus: Mama Rhoda umeniacha Mama Rhoda utanikumbuka Mama Rhoda umeniacha Mama Rhoda utanikumbuka
Ungesema nijue kosa langu Kuliko kuniacha hapa peke yangu Miaka mingi nafikiri wewe wangu Kumbe unapoteza muda wangu
Sikiliza!
Rhoda nimedata Nitakupa unachotaka Mwengine zaidi sitampata Chameleone ntakufata
Bridge in Kihaya
Nataka tuwe pamoja baby Utakacho nitakupa lady Rhoda, you drive me crazy Unapokwenda utanikumbuka
*Disclaimer: I don't think there's anything wrong with women wearing pants; it's simply a figure of speech. I also don't think there's anything wrong with a man helping out with the household chores; I wash dishes and laundry myself. The whole point of the post is to note that Africans understand manhood and womanhood better than "Enlightened" Americans.
Regarding the survey I took earlier this week: The director emailed me back. Here is her email.
*Entirely unrelated: The lab reports are done. On Thursday I turned in the last lab report ever. Now, only two essays and two exams stand between me and my diploma.*
Abram,
Thank you for your thoughtful response to [our] survey. We appreciate your participation and your patience waiting for my response. The email messages do not come directly to me first.
In response to your key concern, our survey results will have no bearing on locker room facility decisions. Rather, they are sought to inform us on demographics for the student population, program satisfaction, awareness, and participation; as well as benefits and barriers to participation in campus recreational sports by IUB students.
The survey template was developed by our contracted consultant, Student Voice, who is administering an omnibus survey with several other comparable recreational sports programs in the country. We'll be sharing results amongst us for benchmarking purposes.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have additional questions or concerns.
